Stupid Lazy People

Ok....I am guilty of it too....I have been lazy and I have been stupid but never at the same time. I also like to refer to myself as "pretty" when I do something really dumb. It all started with a friend of mine that has had a spread in Maxim magazine....She was beautiful. Blonde hair, blue eyes, DD breast job, 24 inch waist, tan, a rockstar husband.....but.....she was stupid. She would say the dumbest things... "I really love that band The Purple Hull Peas" (she was refering to The Black Eyed Peas) or when asked how many points a two-point conversion is worth and her response is "Is that a trick question?" I don't think I have to elaborate anymore. When ever she would say these really dumb things I would just brush her sweet little clueless head and tell her "You are so pretty" It actually took quite a few times before she realized I wasn't paying her a compliment....but that is part of what made it so fun. So hence whenever someone or even myself does something really stupid I just respond with "I/'mYour so pretty." However dumb she was...lazy she was not. She also had two kids, she had a job, and that rockstar husband that was always playing shows. She also busted her ass at the gym and all this while she was displaced from her home because of Huricane Katrina. So she was stupid but she definately was pretty. I however do not look like a Maxim model so I try extremly hard to not be stupid. I take pride in my education and my erie accuarcy to answer jepordy "answers". I also try not to be too lazy...although I have my moments. I am a full-time employee at Sedgwick CMS, a full-time student, and a full-time wife. I have two "kids" (chihuahuas) but at least I can lock them up in the other room if they are being annoying. I do feel when I am lazy it is a much needed break. However, I have had several experiences lately that just blow my mind. I have come to the conclusion that the general human population is stupid and lazy. Not just one or the other...So here starts my vent.
1. Wal-mart: I was proceding to walk out the door labeled "EXIT". While I am walking out with a buggy so full that I can barely push it, a couple that was about as large as a Volkswagon Jetta (not combined but each one of them were the size of a Jetta) decided to walk into the exit door. As I use my entire body weight to halt the momentum of the overloaded buggy, the couple looks at me like I am crazy and the man says to the woman "go here...closer". Really?!?!?! Seriously you look like you need to walk the four extra steps to the "ENTRANCE" door. Also a nice "Excuse me." was in order but I guess that was too much to ask for considering they were so lazy they couldn't even use a complete sentence to communicate with each other. I am really glad I got my cart stopped though b/c there is no airbag on a grocery buggy and I am positive I would have ended up with some sort of injury should I have hit them.
2. Macy's Parking Lot: I was driving around the Macy's parking lot looking for a space. When, alas, someone was pulling out....and get this...it was a front row space. I so patiently waited while soccer mom attempted to maneuver her Esclade out of the tight space. I had my blinker on to signal to any other person "I am waiting for this spot". When psycho middle aged obese woman comes flying around and whips in. I even tapped my horn and waved at her that I was waiting for that spot. She just looked at me and whipped in. I was enraged. I am not typically a nice driver but I am somewhat considerate. Had it been an elderly person I would have went on my merry way, but it wasn't. I proceeded to wait for this woman to get out of her Honda Passport. (she definitely moved a lot slower than that vehicle of hers) I then asked her "Did you not see me?" (sarcastically) She replied NO! (which was a lie because she looked dead at me when I honked and then grinned) I then proceeded to tell her "Well, your fat ass should have parked further out and maybe your ass won't be so wide". She then put her head down and picked up her pace to get in the store. (it still wasn't a fast pace by any means)
3. Target: I was searching the kitchen aisle for a gift on a registery when five women, one knocked up teenager and a toddler caim walking down the aisle. Our buggies were next to each other so the toddler was pushing on my buggy to get by so she could get to her mother. I then moved my buggy and said "Excuse me." (using a tone that you would to a toddler...give me some credit...I am not mean to kids) The woman then picked up the toddler and was holding her while she was looking at the other side of the aisle. We were back to back when her child reached over and hit me. I turned around because this is a natural instinct should you be hit from behind. I didn't say anything and I didn't even show so much of a facial expression. (even though I was utterly disgusted by the lack of parenting). The woman then turned around to me and said "She is a mother f*cking kid." She slung the kid down and said "Keep
f*cking hands off mother f*ckers. They be petty white bitches. I going to beat your ass." At this point I really should have said something more...but all I could say was "Go back to Memphis." This was a hood rat hoe at her finest. I could have told her that what you have said to this child qualifies as verbal abuse and threats and that DHS would love to assist you with appropriate discipline for a two year old...or even finding an appropriate household for a two year old. Also you just taught your child that is is okay to hit other people with no consequence. I therefore nominate you for Parent of the Year.  It was honestly the most repulsive thing I have ever witnessed.

I feel that i have complained enough about stupid lazy people but one thing I still can't figure out....Why does spinner luggage cost twice as much as regular luggage when all it does is save two steps? I guess it is marketed for those that are lazy and stupid.

The 10 Women You'll Be Before Your 35 (really?)

For those of you who know me....you know I am a great source of useless information and factoids....this is mainly because I will read ANYTHING. Seriously, my book habit is so bad that my husband informed me that I can no longer spend what I want at the bookstore and use the excuse that it is for my education. For some reason he doesn't see Jennifer Weiner as an educational author. (for the record, I do...if you have never read anything by her, you are really missing out) So I resorted to the dollar bin at Books-a-Million...yes they have those....and there is a reason why they are a dollar...but I don't care....I READ ANYTHING...(even the labels on toothpaste, lysol, or the wrapper the toilet paper came in) This brings me to the reason why I am writing this blog....I read a book a while back called The 10 Women You'll Be Before Your 35. I actually read this book about 8 years ago...thinking it held he answers to getting through the crappy early 20's a little bit easier. It is actually the biggest crock of crap I have ever read....here is the woman they say you will be....followed by a brief summary of reality...or maybe just my reality...but I thought I would share

1. The New Graduate (so naive you can't believe).....

        Ok....in today's time....who actually gets to go to school and never have a job while going to school.     

        I am just bitching because I was not that lucky. However, if I took to authority better than I did at        

        16, I probably could have made it easier on myself. I, however, was extremely strong-willed, 

        unappreciative, and frankly, just a bitch. I know I can still be quite the bitch but I am not just mean 

        without reason anymore....I guess I can attribute that to hormones finally leveling out. And for the 

        record...I don't think I was that naive. Sure I played like I was stupid and air headed but that is only 

        because I know stupid people get away with more. I have not and will not dumb myself down 

        anymore....but it worked in the past. My advice to most new graduates....is welcome to the 

        world...A BA is equivalent to a high school diploma now...so you aren't that special. Don't think 

        you are worth more than you are. Trust me, you aren't worth much...unless you specialized in a

        highly skilled trade/profession. I get so sick of people thinking I went to school so I should be worth 

        at least what I spent on my education....I hate to tell you people this...but someone has to.....YOU 

        AREN'T WORTH MUCH. (this is not a value of your life....just the value of your education, so  

        don't go off yourself just yet)

2. The Dollarless Diva (ceral, tuna, and a lotta debt)

        So....I can understand this....I have been broke too. Since I managed to get myself out of credit card 

        debt with little more than my body intact (pride and dignety went out the door when I started 

        negotiating with those evil people) I have vowed to never eat another Ramen Noodle as long as I 

        live....Or use anything other than Charmin. What I will say...is everyone has become victim to their

        wants and to greed...or even just student loans. so this part was okay...The unrealistic thing is.... 

        when you are broke, Tuna Fish and Cereal are quite expensive. Seriously....I have scrounged in my 

        couch to find 8 cents so i could go get some Ramen...that is horrible. And while I would never

        admit this at the time... I really should have went back home at that point...but I was too hard   

        headed. 

3. The Worker Bee (i can do it all baby)

         Ummmmm....no you can't... I have tried....multiple times......and failed.....misreably. It is easy to get 

         overwhelmed with work. When I worked in the casino...I wasn't so much overwhelemed as I was 

         money hungery.....it's easy to get that way when you see how much money there really is to be 

         made down at the boats. Also when I would have a night where I pulled triple what I make in one 

         month now....I would just call in and go on a great shopping  spree. (man, I really miss that       

         money....but some things are not worth it) I will admit that I have had other jobs though and have 

         let myself get so overwhelemed a panic attack has ensued.....And no matter what your job is....you  

         are not very helpful sitting in the bathroom stall with your head between your knees trying not to     

         pass out. ASK FOR HELP....and if you have a problem with something about your job....tell the 

         boss....also have a suggestion to throw out there....BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A 

         SUGGESTION TO FIX SOMETHING....THEN ALL YOU ARE DOING IS BITCHING....if  

         this the case.....put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

4. The Party Girl

          Call me crazy.....but wasn't the party girl the whole college thing. I went to Ole Miss so I may be 

          speaking for myself...or just for my alma mater....but no one goes to Ole Miss for the school. And 

          if they do....you must be their parent....and they are feeding you a line of bullshit. We have a 

          saying in Oxford....."You either leave a drunk, a lawyer, or both." (Obvoiusly, I am not a lawyer 

          so I really think I was smart by majoring in Psychology becasue where else do you use a BA in 

          psych other than a poker game or a bar? I was definately a party girl....but it was well before I 

          became a part of the professional workforce. This was all said and done with by the time I was       

          24....hopefully you will realize, parties are not all they are cracked up to be when you can't 

          remember them....other than really damaging photos that you have paid for (and their negatives) in 

         beer and cigarettes. 

5. The Body-Conscious Babe

           THIS IN NO WAY HAS EVER APPLIED TO ME. I love my self skinny. I love myself big. I 

           think there is more to a person than what they look like. The only thing that I don't like about 

           myself...are  my scars....and the rude people who don't know me and ask me about them. I really 

           don't like explaining to random strangers that I am missing part of my small intestine and why. 

           because it just takes too long. In fact.... I wish the whole world had a naked day that everyone had 

           to participate in.....it sure would take a lot of guess work out of some things.

6. The Chameleon (i'll have what he's having)

           This is also NEVER APPLIED TO ME..... I will never conform for anyone, under any 

           circumstance. God made me who I am....and He loves me just the way I am. That is also enough 

           for me and should be for you too. And if you are going to conform from some guy....make sure 

           he is extremely sexy and loaded......they say money can't buy happiness.... but I would rather be 

           depressed while looking at Adonis and driving a Aston Martin.

7. The Crisis Chick (junk food and sleep)

            This woman never goes aways.....You will always crave Double Chocolate Chip Ice Cream in 

            times of crisis no matter what your age. And I have never seen a woman pass up sleep. It is 

            true....we need our beauty sleep because no one looks good with bags under their eyes....and 

            Preperation H, while made for hemrroids can only reduce the swelling of under eye baggage so 

           much...and it does nothing about the color of the baggage....this will need to be handled using 

           DermaBlend....which alos works great for covering tattoos.

8. Miss Independence (empress of the universe)

           I don't believe I was this as a woman.... I started this phase as a child.....I am still in this phase. I 

           like to call it the Only Child Syndrome. I want to do everything by myself, for myself, and if I 

           can't.....dammit you better do it real quick like or I am going to be in the floor kicking and 

           screaming. I like to think this is why my marraige works so well...He is the oldest of three and is 

           used to giving up things....and I am an only child and I am used to getting things.

9.The Whirl (half-woman/half-girl; call me ma'am and you will die)

           I was never raised to say yes ma'am, no sir, or any of that crap. When I was little, I was talked to 

           like and adult, and I was taught to respond like an adult. I respect my elders and I use the terms 

           occasionaly but I think that has more to do with the fact that I am in the south and everyone is

           ma'am or sir. I am not confused about wheather I am a girl or a woman....Science has said I was a 

           woman since the age of.....well, I am not going to give you that information, but you get the idea. 

10. The True You

           I don't think I have ever not been the True Me. I may have been the True Me at 16 and the True 

          Me at 27 but I don't think I was ever not truely me. This is a crock of crap to think that you will be 

          the same person at 15, 25. 35, 45, or any number that ends with 5 for that matter....

Life is about constant change and how you adapt to that change. As long as you learn from your mistakes, never settle for less than what you want, love with all your heart, accept yourself for who you are.... and not what someone wants you to be.....you will be many more woman than these 10 women by the time you are 35...and sometimes you will be a couple of different women in one day...hell even in one hour. 

Things I know about Shit

Sarah this one is to humor you while you are "hard at work". 

First off, shit is a word that can be used to describe many scenarios. For instance:

the shit has hit the fan

in a world of shit

happier than a pig in shit

It can also be used as an adjective to describe a person:

lucky shit

full of shit

dumb shit

shit-faced

It can be used as a noun in conjunction with a verb:

throw shit

eat shit

sling shit

shoot the shit

So this is a great word to know and how to use in the English language. However I am not condoning the use of this word in school, work, and especially church. (the use of the word "shit" should only be used at certain time....and not at the Bunco table the preacher's wife is sitting at....I swear it just slipped out Mom.)

It is rumored that the word shit came from the acronym "Ship High In Transit" when talking about moving manure, but I am not really sure. (but this theory sounds a lot better than someone submitted it to Urban Dictionary...but then again I don't think the Urban Dictionary existed when the word was first used. 

It is also funny how people with extensive brain trauma that have lost the ability to speak will say random curse words...often times "shit!" at random. This may be embarrassing but it is a good sign that they can still speak and something is still going on upstairs. These are probably the most relieving "shits" of all

I know that Breast Cancer Month is coming up in a few days and I urge everyone to do their own breast exam...do these monthly...even guys too. Sorry guys but as in humane as it seems, you can get breast cancer too.(often times men with breast cancer do not have as good of a prognosis as women because they are often caught in later stages In fact if you are in a relationship...make a fun night out of it. (unless you are married to someone like my husband who flipped out when I found a knot and refused to touch it or even look at it when i had my ultrasounds and mammograms. Bless his heart he was holding my hand and turning in the other direction. I really think he was more concerned about it than I was but he was really trying to be brave and the thought of breast cancer at the age of 26 was too much to handle for him. But all is well and that is my story with a breast cancer scare. I cant even imagined what I would have been like if my results were cancer. My prayers go out each day to those are diagnosed. May God be with you every step of the way...

But I also want to talk about Shit...and shit leads me to Colon Cancer. While colon cancer awareness is in the month of March...there are a few things you can do to keep a brown eye...uuhhmmm....on your bowel movements. I am a Cronie....for those of you who don't know I have Crohn's Disease. It is a an autoimmune disease that attacks multiple body systems but primarily the digestive tract. I have really learned about Shit to a whole new level with this diagnosis...but it hasn't been all bad Shit. In fact it has been tremendously useful shit. 

First I learned that I will shit a lot....this can be an inconvenience but can be handled with the right medications and a little creativity when traveling. I have a really cute metal box in the back of my car that passengers always question and I just respond..."It's my bathroom box!" Then here comes the laughter and the question of what the hell do you put in a bathroom box? So here is a list that I have stocked at all time...

most importantly hand sanitizer ( i will not even go into detail about some of the places I have had to go but most people can hold it until the next place.....well.....i will never make it to the next place, even if it is across the parking lot) sometimes it takes a lot of sanitizer to make me feel better so carry more than one if you freak out about germs

secondly a mini bottle of Lysol Disinfectant can go a long way to cleaning that toilet seat before you put the little paper seat cover down (Charmin sells purse packs of toilet seat covers also).  

thirdly, Charmin to-go rolls-----I will swear on my life that no facility with a public bathroom will have Charmin available for you to wipe your ass and I think I speak for everyone by saying 20grit sandpaper is not something that should be in a public bathroom....i don't know why it was in there but I was not about to find out....Maybe those Arkansans are living on the edge with that one. 

Also wet wipes are a necessity to ensure no man gets left behind.

Now, this bathroom box also contains a tooth brush, floss and toothpaste just in case vomiting has ensued.

AND A CLEAN PAIR OF UNDERWEAR & PANTS (the pants go in the trunk but the panties will never be out of my sight....i don't want to lose them to a panty theif....at least not the clean ones)

This completes my necessities in the wonderful thing I call "My Bathroom Box" I also have one in each vehicle so I will never forget it.

Now for more about Shit......

I know that this will sound crazy, but those of you who know me will not be shocked......You should look at your shit.....this means physically turn your happy (but dirty) ass around and take note of the color. Here is a brief description to of Shit and when to let the Shit hit the fan:

Brown, Solid Shit is a good sign of a healthy Shit! Kudos for you if this is your morning scenario.

Brown, Loose Shit means that your body is pushing out too much water in the cells that line your intestines and you are on your way to being dehydrated. Drink up...and I don't mean get shit faced.

Green Shit can have multiple meaning, most the time you have had some form of cake icing that was loaded with food color, too many vegetables containing large amounts of chlorophyll, or if it is a neon color green it could very well be bile. I would not work about any of theses shits, unless they are continuous. Then I would recommend contacting you doctor.

Yellow Shit is often times colored this way because you have already had diarreha and now the cells that line your intestine are over-producing mucus. Again drink up and contact you doctor if it continues

Floating Shit is nothing to be alarmed about...this typically means you just inhaled too many fats for your body to digest properly. Think of it like the BP oilspill.....oil is not solute in water...it will just float to the top....oil is not good for the ocean and floating shit is not good for you because it is your bodies way of saying you are eating too much fatty stuff that cant disvolve in here. To fix this problem you could lay off the red meat.

Here come the fun ones....

Black Shit can be alarming.... this is a sign that you have had bleeding take place in intestinal track. you may want to document this with a picture a note about the time, what you ingested before hand, and call your doctor with this information.

Blood-Red Shit----sound the alarms but not all of them quite yet) this means that there is active bleeding somewhere in your digestive tract....(or you could have had one of my mom's red velvet cupcakes and it's not bleeding...it goes back to that food coloring thing) It could also be something as small as a hemmroid has flared up and it bleeding. I wouldn't run to the ER unless they were uncontrollable, and contained lots of blood. I know this may gross some people out but when women have their period....(you wonder how the hell they can bleed for seven days and not die...or at least need a transfusion) they may feel like they have lost a tremendous amount of blood but in actuality they only lost about 2-4 ounces of blood. It can be very scary to see blood in the toilet bowl but just remember the period thing....it always looks like more than what there really is. 

BY THE WAY-----PEDIALYTE IS NOT JUST FOR KIDS-----it goes down easy, comes back up realativly easy, and it rehydrates w/electrolytes faster that gatorade and water. 

I was just putting this out there in hopes that this may help someone who has problems about discussing Shit with people....I will admit, I was one of those people that wouldn't....now I don't care. After all the pills, pain, surgery, and more pain.....i have no shame about shit...It is truly one thing everybody does....well not everybody...some people don't get their shit problems checked out and now they get to eat out of a tube that empties into their stomach and then a differnet tube moves their shit into a ostomy bag they must change out. 

So in general my advice to you is to......CHECK OUT YOUR SHIT.....and if you can't remember what all I have told you and you are a proud owner of an Iphone.....there is an app for that....No bullshitting....I swear.....(man that was a bad pun....but it made me laugh because I am in a Lunesta haze...)

New to this

So, I have decided to join the world of blogging. I am not really sure why. I guess it is just for the shits and giggles of it. I would like to just voice my thoughts and opinions and I don't really care if anyone agrees with them. I just would like to get them out there so one day I can look back and ask my self "What the hell was I thinking?". In the process of creating this blog (which was not the easiest process) I was thinking to myself that some people create these things and think people really care about everything they do. I have seen some blogs that are wonderful (check out the ramblings of crstark). I have also seen random ones that make me question the sanity of the person writing it, and then my sanity for knowing and communicating with the afore mentioned person. I don't think my life is exciting all though sometimes it can be interesting....to say the least. I also so have different beliefs and ideas that can be quite contradictory. (but isn't it human nature to be hypocritical?) I also have no school this semester and I am looking for something to fill the time (shopping as a hobby gets quite expensive). Feel free to comment about any blogs that will be posted in the future. Please be honest....you will not hurt my feelings, but be fore-warned that I may hurt yours. I am often times too honest...and believe me this is a fault. (my dad has often told me "your mouth writes checks that your ass can't cash"...but I have never understood the concept of money very well so this has not been a motivating analogy to keep my mouth shut....or my shopping under control) I love my life...even when it hands me lemons....(that is what vodka is for) and I bitch a lot... (but then again what woman doesn't)...I also believe the world should be more like Burger King...(yes, I will have that my way, right away). I know I am already starting to ramble but I do have ADHD and my husband is thankful for that....(no matter how mad I am he knows to find something else to talk about and I almost always forget what I was mad about.... or in rare cases, I will go off for a couple of sentences, hold a conversation in the next couple of sentences, and then go back to going off.) I am sort of out of things to say right now...other than why is there nothing on t.v. on Sunday nights? Maybe it is the FCC's way to promote increased church attendance. We all know this country is going to hell in a hand basket....and it is not the freaking president's fault. It's not even the previous presidents fault. It is our own fault for thinking that if we don't take care of something someone else will. That someone else attempted to change things and you don't like how they changed it. So the lesson comes full circle...if you don't like something, YOU change it...don't leave it up to someone else. Well I hope everyone has a good night and a Happy Football Season.